Heave the Hawk

Lando, is that you?
In 1999,“The Hawk” allegedly grew tired of Tom “Wimpy” Paciorek's competent broadcasting and convinced Reinsdorf to send Wimpy packing. Like the firing of Tony La Russa 13 years earlier, Harrelson put his ego before the good of the White Sox organization and its fans. In stepped Darrin Jackson. With zero broadcasting experience, Sox fans were left hoping that his announcing skills would somehow be as polished as his playing-day moustache...

Howdy, Partner
From the outset, Darrin proved ineffective. His glazed expression did not exude confidence but, rather, hinted at a pre-game bong hit or two. The inability to assemble complete and fluid sentences became his trademark as he shuffled uncomfortably through the clumsiness that is a Sox television broadcast. You had to feel for the guy at first...with The Hawk perched to his left and all. But what happened next...well, we just don't like to talk about it around here. To the horror of us all, he began to engage in “Hawk-talk.” First came the cheerleading, (i.e. using “we” in place of the “the Sox.”) Next, he would join Hawk in the infamous homerun call, “you can put it on the board…yeeeeessssss.” And then, he mysteriously developed a Southern accent.

Words, DJ's personal kryptonite
To this day, the words on a page or teleprompter will flat out kick DJ's ass. Has anyone heard this guy do the lineups before the game? Or try to read copy for an upcoming promotion? How about his feeble attempts at play by play? Jeez. As Sox fans, all we ask for is someone who can take the sting out of a Ken Harrelson broadcast- someone to serve as the hillbilly buffer. Unfortunately, Darrin, you are not "gettin' it done." Reports from Japan talk of a shortage of Lando-staches. So please, get your goldbricking ass out of our baseball community and go back to shagging flies for the Seibu Lions.