:::Ken "Hawk" Harrelson Unofficial Website:::

Hawk Looking More Like A Muppet

Chicago, IL - The Hawk's haggard appearance of late prompted White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski to note that, "Hawk looks more and more like a Muppet each day." The 68 year-old Harrelson, who regularly draws the ire of White Sox players when he wanders into the clubhouse in search of "stray beers," has not impressed recently.

"He comes in here the other day and has the nerve to offer up hitting advice," said youngster Brent Lillibridge, obviously underwhelmed by Harrelson's .239 career average.

What is impressive, according to manager Ozzie Guillen, is Hawk's beer consumption. "He godda gooo buzzz on de odder day, dat crazy ol' Naco." However, players have grown tired of Hawk rummaging through the fridge while yelling, "don't stop now, boys."

Sources report that pitcher Bobby Jenks balled up a Burger King wrapper and threw it at Hawk as he turned around the other day. Jenks was questioned by the aging announcer, and replied, "I don't know what you're talking about, jerk-off. You look like a Muppet." Jenks then iced his arm heavily.

"I was golfing with Mickey Mantle..."

Bullshit.

2010 Non-Hawk Schedule


4/17	at Cleveland	3:10 PM	FOX
4/24	vs. Seattle	3:10 PM	FOX
5/2	at NY Yankees	12:05 PM	TBS
6/12	at Cubs	3:10 PM	FOX
6/26	vs. Cubs	6:10 PM	FOX
7/24	at Oakland	3:05 PM	No TV
9/18	vs. Detroit	3:10 PM	FOX

A Douche...Unlike Any Other

Sox Move Hawk to Concessions

Chicago, IL- In what may be known as the best move he has ever made, Sox GM Kenny Williams announced that Hawk Harrelson will be relegated to beer duty next season.

"Regular folks, including partner Steve Stone, have just had enough of Hawk's silliness. I think Miller Lite vendor is the perfect fit for Ken. He can still engage in douchebaggery, you know... nonsensical ramblings, twangy catch phrases, but the entire viewing audience will not have to endure it."

Williams went on to say that Harrelson's primary post will be section 121, near first base.

"This section is notorious for attracting White Trash...like those guys that beat up the Royals first base coach. These are the sort of people that appreciate Hawk."

"Miller Lite" (Hawk Harrelson)

Sox Now 10-3 Without Hawk

The Sox are 10-3 this year when Hawk does not announce the game.

Keep him out of the booth and, poof, the Sox will make the Playoffs.

Sox on Fox Again!

Sox at LA Angels today on Fox at 3:10.

Danks (12-9) vs. Santana (7-8)

White Sox are 6 out with 6 yet to play vs. Detroit. It's possible, friends.

Sox 9-3 Sans Hawkeroo

With their win on Saturday, the Sox improved to 9-3 in games that Hawk Harrelson is not associated with.

The Sox are 7-1 when televised on Fox.

You do the math. Heave the Hawk!

Sox on Fox!

The White Sox host the Red Sox at 3:05 CT today on Fox TV.

Wakefield (11-3) vs. Floyd (10-9)

Right Now

Sounds like Hawk has been watching beer commercials and pumping Van Halen recently...

"Right Now" (Hawk)

"Right Now" (Van Halen)

Nobody's Stopping Him

Hawk wants to die in the booth. I suppose that's one way to get a new announcer.

Hey, he's the one that said it.

"It's a Warsh"

The Hawk hit just .248 and .203 respectively in 1966 and 1967 for the Washington Senators, but looked marvelous the whole time.

DJ Really Into Heave the Hawk Shirt

Chicago, IL- The new tee fits DJ just fine, according to sources close to the Sox radio analyst. "He hasn't taken that shirt off since he got it. He even wore it in the pool," shared DJ's kids yesterday.

DJ offered his appraisal of the situation, saying, "Nine years in the booth with that asshole...he just knew everything about everything. The mental abuse got to me. You're damn right I want that jerk fired...and I'm just really into these new T-shirts. They are good for everything from lifting weights to snacking...ya know, just getting it done."

Eh?

Classic hillperson speak...

"Wookin' pa nubber?" (Hawk)

Tee Time

Steve "Don't Call Me Stone Pony" Stone, the best analyst in baseball, in the new Heave the Hawk T-shirt.

Effortless Douchebaggery

Hawk makes being a douchebag look so damn easy.

Happy Mondee

Ever hear Hawk say the days of the week?

Laughable...

"Mondee, Tuesdee, Wensdee, Thursdee" (Hawk)

Sox Better Without Hawk

The White Sox are 8-3 this year when Hawk does not do the broadcast.

6-1 on Fox...1-1 on ESPN...they lost vs. Cincinnati when Hawk had family business, but they won handily yesterday while the game was not televised.

Rumor has it Hawk was in the stands yesterday in Oakland, sauced up on Miller beer that he brought into the ballpark. He was allegedly yelling hawkisms in typical repetitive fashion until he was escorted out by security.

This Shit Needs to Stop

I thought the Sox players would stop chasing each other around the clubhouse with little bottles of dye when Nick Swisher left.

Jesus.

Next thing you know, Hawk will be taking part.

Hawk Fond of A.J. Too

Who's that jag trying to get in on some Pierzynski party pics? Poof, it's Hawk.

Anyone know what the beaked one says here after A.J. hits a routine fly ball?

Standard hillbilly muttering is all I can make out...

"A.J. Hits Routine Fly Ball" (Hawk Harrelson)

Hawk Fond of "Jimmy" and "Paulie"

What is Hawk doing back there in that gas guzzler?

Check out the calls on consecutive Thome and Konerko AB's against the Orioles...

One HR call that wasn't.

Two "Dadgum it's"

Three "Just missed it's"

"Long Single and Routine Fly Ball" (Hawk Harrelson)

Hawk For Birdie...No!

"Total B.S."

Hawk flipped his lid last night when umpire Joe West issued Jose Contreras a hasty warning.

I'm guessing Hawk was out in the parking lot lookin' to wrassle West down after the game.

"People Change" (The Hawk)

Peavy Invokes "No 'He Gone' Clause"

Chicago, IL- New White Sox pitcher Jake Peavy is excited to play for the Sox except for one obvious problem, Hawk Harrelson.

"I can't wait to get on the mound, however, I can't have some twangy hillbilly muttering "he gone" out the side of his mouth every time I strike somebody out," explained Peavy yesterday.

The former Padres hurler elaborated, "I have invoked a "No 'He Gone' Clause," the first of it's kind. There will be no 'he gones' when I pitch. Reinsdorf knows it. Hawk knows it. I just won't tolerate this disrespect to my native language, English."

Screw the Tie Game...

...let's talk about how much the Groundskeeper weighs for an entire at-bat.

Hawk is a bum.

Highway Robbery

The Sox dealt Brian Anderson to Boston today in exchange for Mark Kotsay.

I'm impressed they got more than a couple of bats.

Sox on ESPN Sunday Night Baseball!

Sox vs. Detroit at 7:05 CT.

Richard (3-3) vs. Porcello (9-6)

Another much needed day off for the ol' Hawkeroo.

He's looking pretty haggard lately.

Hawk Call of Buehrle Perfect Game

Listen to Hawk call the final out of Mark Buehrle's perfect game today. I'm surprised (and disappointed) that his head didn't explode.

Hawk calls final out of perfect game.

Buehrle Pitches Perfect Game!

Congrats to Mark Buehrle on his perfect game today against the Rays!

Game Recap

Sox on Fox Again!

Sox vs. Detroit on Fox today at 3:10 CT.

Floyd (8-6) vs. TBA

Enjoy a relaxing, Hawkless broadcast.

Sosa On Steroids? No Way.

This picture indicates that Sammy Sosa couldn't have taken steroids. He probably just changed to a much tighter fitting jersey.

This is the part where I have to tell the Hawk fans it's a joke before they start sending emails.

I will be in a great mecca of performance-enhancing drugs (if you play bass) until Tuesday- Portland, OR.

Will try to check in.

Go Sox!

His Airness...

...surely knows that Hawk sucks.

"Be Like Mike" (Gatorade Ad Wizards)

The Common Man Progrum

Looks like Minnesota legend,"The Common Man," posted our Joe Mauer "Baby Jesus" pic on his "Progrum Page."

Sounds like he's reading a little Heave the Hawk email too. Think he's not?

"Common Man Talks Hawk" (KFAN, Minneapolis)

I didn't send it to him.

I swear to Baby Jesus.

Sox on Fox!

Sox vs. Baltimore on Fox today at 3:05 CT.

If you want to listen to Hawk's bullshit, you better get over to his house.

Buehrle (9-3) vs. Guthrie (6-8)

Bruce Wolf Flips Out

"Train Wreck" (670 The Score)

Hawk Has Yaz Spaz

Orlando, FL- Reports from the Harrelson family compound indicate the All-Star break has been anything but one.

The Hawk is in the midst of a prolonged "Yaz Spaz," yapping incessantly, and, at times, incoherently, about his former teammate and current man-crush, Carl Yastrzemski.

A typical Yaz Spaz lasts one or two innings, but Harrelson has been singing Yaz's praises for, "four fucking days now," said a source close to the family.

Hawk's former broadcast partner and caddy, Darrin Jackson, confirmed the onoing Spaz after 36 holes at Ventura Country Club on Wednesday.

"His mindset on the course is all Yastrzemski right now...mindset. If he can get his mindset back to what it needs to be and off of Yaz, he will be able to get it done...mindset-wise."

South Side Southpaw Steers It Home

President Obama donned his Sox gear for the ceremonial first pitch at last night's All-Star game.

He joined announcers Joe Buck and Tim McCarver for the bottom of the 2nd...

"Obama Visits Broadcast Booth" (Courtesy FOX Sports)

A Sphincter Says What?

Hawk throws down some classic sphincter talk in this clip.

What, other announcers don't talk about the muscles around their assholes?

"That Will Ruin Your Sphincter" (Hawk Harrelson)

Hawk Gets Buzz On, Talks NASCAR

Chicago, IL- Hawk Harrelson had a few beers the other day and, "started up with the NASCAR crap again," said Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle.

Harrelson was allegedly bothering both players and coaches near the batting cage prior to Thursday's matinee with the Cleveland Indians.

"You wouldn't think he'd be so intoxicated so early in the day...but you know Hawk," mentioned a coach who asked to remain anonymous.

Harrelson reportedly claimed that his likeness adorned the Rusty Wallace Miller Lite car "like 25 years ago."

Hawk was eventually asked to return to the booth and given a bottled water.

"Jerry Was A Race Car Driver" (Primus)

What the Hell?

Hawk's doing this new deal where he celebrates a homer with a nice, white trashy "hell yeah" or "hell yes."

I wonder if it will be hot enough for him there.

"Hell Yeah" (Hawk Harrelson)

"Hell Yes" (Hawk Harrelson)

Wild Thing

Sox looking for sweep of Cleveland today at 1:05 CT.

Will the Tribe need to go the pen for Rick Vaughn?

"Wild Thing" (The Troggs)

Let's Go, Go-Go White Sox

The Sox recently celebrated the 50th anniversary of the magical '59 World Series run.

Turn it up...

"Let's Go, Go-Go White Sox"
(Captain Stubby & The Buccaneers)

Will Sox Make Playoffs in '09?

Midwest Sports Fans say so.

Jim Thome...

...knows what to do.

He just points that bat at your face and waits for it.

Happy Independence Day!

White Sox "Stars & Stripes" lid.

Sox win seventh straight!

"Independence Day" (Elliott Smith)

Sox on Fire

Six in a row!

Hawk Not Inventor of Batting Glove

The self-proclaimed "Inventor of the Batting Glove" is mistaken.

"Watch Out"

Dick off the old block?

Hawk does not claim Richard as his son, nor the other 3 kids from his first marriage.

"In The Jailhouse Now" (The Soggy Bottom Boys)

Sox on Fox!!!

Sox vs. Cubs on Fox TV today at 3:05 CT.

Dempster (4-5) vs. Buehrle (7-2)

Go Sox!

Heave the Hawk NL Ballot

1B Albert Pujols :: St. Louis
2B Chase Utley :: Philadelphia
SS Hanley Ramirez :: Florida
3B David Wright :: New York
C Yadier Molina :: St. Louis
LF Raul Ibanez :: Philadelphia
CF Carlos Beltran :: New York
RF Brad Hawpe :: Colorado

Cast your ballot!

Heave the Hawk AL Ballot

1B Justin Morneau :: Minnesota
2B Aaron Hill :: Toronto
SS Derek Jeter :: New York
3B Evan Longoria :: Tampa Bay
C Joe Mauer :: Minnesota
LF Carl Crawford :: Tampa Bay
CF Torii Hunter :: Los Angeles
RF Ichiro Suzuki :: Seattle

NL picks tomorrow...

Running low on HtH shirts. Get one here!

2009 All-Star Game

Official HtH American League All-Star picks tomorrow.

Click here to vote for your All-Stars.

Hawk Shops at Wal-Mart

Not only does Hawk shop at Wal-Mart, but, he calls Waddle and Silvy while he's there. What's in the cart, you ask?

Miller beer.

He also has Advil and Pepsi for the hangover...and Tide to take the vomit stains out of his Comcast sweater vest.

"Hawk shops at Wal-Mart"

Hawk on the Radio

Hawk was on the horn with the Afternoon Saloon crew on Tuesday.

Some lowlights...

"Says 'he gone' to wife"

"Wrigley Field inside sucks"

"Jack McDowell is still idiotic"

Smokin' Steroids

"Champagne & Reefer" (Muddy Waters)

Hawk Still Thinks He's GM

Hawk decided he could fire Jack McDowell, who normally fills in for Steve Stone, on the air Sunday.

Watch out. Hawk could be firing you right now. If he doesn't like your face, he just fires you. He plays by his own rules...he's a fucking loose cannon...

He oughta perch himself on a power line.

"Fire" (Jimi Hendrix Experience)

Bonus "Non-Hawk" Series!!!

Just realized that Sox fans have an option tonight. You can listen to Hawk's bullshit or you can tune in to WGN and hear Kasper and Brenly.

Hey, if you've got problem with that, sorry. Hawk sucks. You can always just put it on mute.

Go Sox!

Hawk Fired This Guy...

...and he has the nerve to call other people "dumb" on the air!

Tony La Russa has been to the World Series 5 times since he was fired by Hawk in 1986.

Heave the Hawk!!!

"Dumb" (Nirvana)

BFD

Hawk threw a big spaz during yesterday's broadcast because of this. Big fucking deal. In response, Hawk called Jack McDowell "dumb," and, as usual, said the whole thing was "B.S."

Hawk is just a jerk's jerk.

Does he realize that he says "dumber" things than this all the time? Because someone is mildly critical of the White Sox, he is dumb? Talking a bunch of hillbilly twang is dumb, Hawkeroo!

Retire.

Please.

"Blackjack" (Ween)

One Good Year

Hawk thinks 1968 gives him the right to wax baseball philosophy for the rest of his life.

He is sorely mistaken.

"Year Of The Parrot" (Primus)

Sox on Fox!!!

White Sox at Milwaukee at 3:10 on Fox.

Dial up Bob Uecker on 620 AM or Gameday Audio.

Contreras (1-5) vs. Parra (3-7)

"Just a bit outside" (Bob Uecker as Harry Doyle)

Penetrate & Finish

Who would have thought Ron Jeremy would lead the Orlando Magic to the NBA Finals?

"Porno Gil" (Willis)

Non-Hawk Games!!!

2009 "Non-Hawk" White Sox Schedule
4/11/09	vs. Minnesota	3:05 PM	FOX
6/6/09	vs. Cleveland	3:05 PM	FOX
6/13/09	at Milwaukee	3:10 PM	FOX
6/27/09	vs. Cubs	3:05 PM	FOX
7/18/09	vs. Baltimore	3:05 PM	FOX
7/25/09	vs. Detroit	3:10 PM	FOX
8/1/09	vs. NY Yankees	3:05 PM	FOX
8/15/09	at Oakland	3:07 PM	No TV?
9/5/09	vs. Boston	3:05 PM	FOX
9/12/09	at LA Angels	3:10 PM	FOX

*Look for the Sox on ESPN Sunday Night Baseball too! August and September games are selected only 2 weeks in advance.

Let Us Pray

Did you know that Twins fans regularly refer to Joe Mauer as "Baby Jesus?"

Does this mean He will come again?

"Baby Jesus" (Bruce McCulloch)

Can You Sting Me?

This new HtH surveillance shot indicates Hawk is a few Stroh's deep.

Perhaps the wrist brace is more for the drinking.

And what's with the new bumblebee getup anyway? The Pittsburgh Pirates were in town on this particular day. Why is the self-proclaimed "World's Biggest Sox Fan" sporting the opponent's colors?

"Sting Me" (The Black Crowes)

"We oughta...

...hang around for a while and see if we can give Hawk a nice big shitburger to eat."

-Lou Brown
Manager
Cleveland Indians

Sox on Fox!!!

First pitch vs. Cleveland today at 3:05 on WFLD-TV.

No Hawk!

Sowers (1-2) vs. Floyd (3-5)

Hustlin'

No comb...no big deal.

E-savvy

In an effort to keep up with the interweb, we've created a Twitter account. You can find us at http://twitter.com/Heave_the_Hawk.

Also, be sure to follow Steve Stone at http://twitter.com/BaseballStone. He needs the support...only has 4 followers.

Stone Pony?

Steve Stone earns his money on merit, but he deserves combat pay too. Not only must he endure Hawk's daily nonsensical ramblings, but, the beaked one has also taken to calling his partner "Stone Pony."

I don't think Mr. Stone appreciates it, Hawk. Stop it...and then fucking retire so he can work with someone who doesn't suck.

"Ride Your Pony" (The Meters)

Mechanics

Hawk dropped a classic pearl of wisdom the other night in LA:

"Mechanics is the killer. There's no doubt about it. Over the years, I have developed my own thinking and philosophy about playing the game, watching the game, talking countless hundreds of hours with hitters...You've gotta let your thoughts dictate the mechanics, not your mechanics dictate the thoughts...When mechanics dictate the thoughts, you've got a big problem."

"You're Fucking Out, Hawk"

Kenny Powers hates Hawk too.

Vin Scully

Listen to a REAL announcer call Ron Kittle's AB in the 1983 All-Star game at Comiskey Park...

"Vin Scully calls Kittle infield hit" (Courtesy NBC Sports)

Steroids Irrelevant

Jose Canseco vs. Hong Man Choi.

"Credentials"

Here's the back of that Fleer card posted yesterday.

Note the use of the word "outspoken" instead of "obnoxious." Must have been a typo.

Memorial Day Dreams Do Come True

Everyone knows how Hawk cherishes his memories of Carl Yastrzemski, so much that it makes people wonder a little bit. (See Why Heave the Hawk? #7)

Well, Hawk would be gay as a schoolboy if he knew he was featured on a baseball card with his favorite left fielder.

The funny thing is that they are not featured as teammates, but as star player and loser announcer. They call him great, yes, but that's just because they need card ideas.

Diddly Poo

The Hawk freaks out often but he can't spaz like Jim Mora.

Hawk Fucks Up Peavy Deal

San Diego, CA- Padres pitcher Jake Peavy revealed the actual reason he rejected the recent trade to the White Sox- the Hawk.

"Who is that idiot that does their television broadcasts?" Peavy asked last night. "I don't want my highlight reels to be dirtied with 'he gones' and 'gaaaassss.'"

Peavy furthered his explanation as he wondered, "Is 'he gone' even English? I mean, I'm going to be a free agent in a few years. People will hear that shit and think I play in the fucking California Penal League."

Get Your Mouth Shut

He's almost got his yap shut but, alas, once a mouth breather...always a mouth breather.

Pretty, Pretty, Pretty...Good

Check out how pumped Larry David is for the Lakers game. He looks like he just heard a Hawk broadcast and is sick to his stomach.

I know the feeling, LD.

"Frolic" (Luciano Michelini)
(Theme from "Curb Your Enthusiasm")

Charitable Contributions

Want your kids to get dumber? Send them to the Darrin Jackson Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good (and who wanna learn to do other stuff good too).

Who better to teach your kids not to read than someone who can't himself?

Mouth Breather

Hawk is gonna get bugs in his teeth if he doesn't shut that yap.

A Special "Re" Post

Posted this pic some time ago, but since picked up the actual baseball card. '71 Topps...put that on your desktop and smoke it.

The Hawk looks absolutely mental.

By the way, Hawk failed to reach the Mendoza line in 1971, batting .199 on the year.

Motown Showdown

The Blackhawks and Red Wings square off in Game 1 of the Western Conference Finals today at 2:00 CT on NBC.

Pat Foley has signed off for the year. Cheers to Mr. Foley, one of the best sportscasters Chicago has ever heard!

The good news is that our buddy Eddie Olczyk will join Mike "Doc" Emrick on the call.

Go Hawks!

"United Center Goal Horn"

Play by Play by Play by...Play

They've got DJ attempting play-by-play on the radio.

Ouch.

"DJ Sucks at Talking"

"DJ Sings"

DJ Knows Not What He Says

DJ was really on fire last night. They faded out a little "Crazy Train" as the radio broadcast resumed in the 5th, the Sox trailing 8-0, when DJ might has well have yelled, "all aboard!" He proceeded to stress the importance of just thinking about yourself as a player in such a situation.

Not one minute later, he goes on to say that you can't just "be an individual" and be "swingin' for the fences."

Seconds later, Paul Konerko hits a home run.

What did DJ like about the swing?

"It was a just a nice, smooth, under control, not violent swing."

"Think About Yourself" (Darrin Jackson)

"Don't Swing for the Fences" (Darrin Jackson)

"Crazy Train" (Ozzy Osbourne)

Hawk or Vulture?

Look at this loser in his powder blue Nehru suit, topped off with a crazy cool medallion.

He looks like he's about to commit some sort of misconduct.

Ixnay on the DJ

DJ bleeds Cubbie blue on this '88 Fleer card.

He is like a bad high school sports announcer, but with lesser charisma, intelligence, and reading ability.

Exhibit A-Hole

This is the T-shirt that Hawk threw to me during a 2006 game. The problem is he signed it, rendering it completely useless.

"Actual Proof" (Herbie Hancock)

Brace Yourself

This HtH surveillance shot from 2006 shows off Hawk's classic wrist brace. (See "OVER THE LINE!").

The reason Hawk looks happy as a lark here is that he just made an extra special T-shirt throw...to me!

He is very proud of himself. I must admit, it was a crisp toss, though it was aided by the wrist brace.

Little did he know, he had just connected with his arch nemesis.

Happy Mother's Day!

Taking my mom to the game today! No joke.

The Sox will swing the pink bats for breast cancer!

"Mother" (Danzig)

"Mother" (Pink Floyd)

"Mama I'm Coming Home" (Ozzy Osbourne)

Sound Choices

Pat Hughes wrote, produced, and narrated the Baseball Voices Hall of Fame Series. Six CD's featuring six of the greatest baseball broadcasters, past and present.

Notice the Hawk CD? Oh...wait, there's no Hawk CD.

Hawk Ruins No-Hitter

One out in the 7th last night, Mark Buehrle has a perfect game going, Placido Polanco at the plate with an 0-2 count, and Hawk decides to start jabbering about choking up on the bat...

Hawk: "Well...ya know, it's one of those things that...don't do as I did, do as I say...scenarios. I don't know why...that ball hit hard. That's trouble...and it's fair. So, here goes the perfect game and the no-hitter."

Thanks a lot, jackass.

“OVER THE LINE!”

While we know that the Hawk is often over the line during broadcasts (i.e. using the term "B.S." to explain how the Sox are getting "screwed"), what do you think it would be like to actually bowl with him?

I bet he has a Hawk ball and Hawk shoes. You know he wears that stupid Hawk hat. He probably wears that weak sister wrist brace too...the one he "straps on" while throwing T-shirts to the crowd.

I bet he cheats if you don't watch him.

I bet he talks a bunch of twangy shit too.

God, wouldn't you just love to meet Hawk down at the lanes and just plain out-roll his ass? And then you could tell him that it's time to hang up the glove, the bat, the golf clubs, the wrist brace, and, most importantly, the microphone.

"He gone."

"Just Dropped In" (Kenny Rogers & The First Edition)

"Dadgum it...Needs More Twang"

"Double barrel of action. Should be...it is. Poof."

I bet Hawk can't even make pop tarts. He's a bum.

Hawk to Fly the Coop!

Some of the denser Hawk supporters are under the impression that we want the Hawk to become extinct.

This is not the case.

We are not murderers. Our hope is that the Hawk lives a long and fruitful life.

However, we are servants of the people, and the people have spoken. This website is part of a strictly philanthropic endeavor. The people of this beautiful city and baseball community deserve better and that is why we've come to play this "Hawk" season. Just get the old man out of the damn broadcast booth and we'll be all set.

Heave the Hawk already!

"Time For Me To Fly" clip
(REO Speedwagon)

"Time For Me To Fly" Full Version
(REO Speedwagon)

"Duk" Snort

Props to 'Duk for supporting the cause.

Heave the Hawk! Yahoo!

Total Silence

Next time the Sox are getting blown out, listen to how much of the broadcast is dead air.

The Hawk is just perched there...lonely, confused, angry...acting like a toddler in a timeout.

"Oh, fuck it, I don't have to talk either, man. We'll see how you like it...Just total fucking silence...Two can play at that game, smart guy. We'll just see how you like it...total silence."

-Carl Showalter
"Fargo"

Hawk "announcing"

Sunday Night Baseball

Catch the White Sox vs. Rangers on ESPN Sunday Night Baseball tonight at 7:05 CT.

Jon Miller will provide the play-by-play. The ever redundant Joe Morgan joins him, as does former GM Steve Phillips.

As long as the Hawk is nowhere near a microphone, it's cool with me.

Go Sox! Heave the Hawk!

"ESPN Baseball Tonight Theme"

Q It Up!

Joel Quenneville and the Blackhawks need to steal one tonight in Vancouver.

8:00 CT on Versus. No Pat Foley, which sucks, but go Hawks!

"Wolfman's Brother" (Phish)

Huffin' and Puffin'

Not sure why Steve Stone was gone last night, but Hawk had a little buddy alongside him for the broadcast in Texas. I think his name is Michael Huff, a former Sox player with credentials similar to those of DJ. Huff kept referring to the Sox as "we" and "us" and, at one point, said, "hit me where it hurts, Hawkeroo." I won't even speculate as to what that meant.

Huff also talked about plate coverage, forcing Hawk to crack some classic eggs of knowledge...

Hawk: Well you know the two things, the one thing...that you mentioned, as far as coverage...cover the plate...plate coverage...they can cover the plate. There's another thing those guys can do that swing the bat decent...that's cover the fastball.

Huff: Yes

Hawk: When you cover the fastball and you can cover the plate, you're dangerous. (With some extra twang).

OK, Hawk, and new random buddy.

Whatever.

Just get your goldbrickin' asses out of our baseball community!

Classy Guy

Great that Hawk could take time out of the World Series victory parade to indirectly rip Jay Mariotti. Classy, huh?

News flash- they are both losers.

One down, Chicago! (Mariotti)

and...

two to go! (Hawk, DJ)

Heave the Hawk!

Flat Out Embarrassing

Always with the "gas" talk?

NHL '94

The 2009 Blackhawks playoff run has inspired me to travel back in time...to 1994...a year when the urgency of any other matter was dwarfed in importance by precision passes and one-timers. The Sega is hooked up and NHL '94 is locked in.

Rock out to the best video game of all time! The "Edit Lines" jam is especially fierce...

"Here Come the Hawks"

"NHL '94 Theme"

"Edit Lines"

"Matchups"

Swingin' at the "High" Stuff

Looks like DJ is about to pop one up. Rally killer.

Put Out Da Flame!

Did you know that "Here Come the Hawks" was recorded by the Dick Marx Orchestra and Choir in 1968? (The song was written by J. Swayzee.)

Little known piece of trivia- Dick Marx is the father of prolific lite rocker, Richard Marx.

I hope that folks appreciate the lyric, "here they come, movin', weavin', flyin' high, and throwin' spray."

You think a young Richard Marx didn't know how to "throw a little spray?" His feathered and mulleted coif would tell you otherwise.

Let's hope the Hawks put out Les Flammes tonight in Calgary. Hit it, Dick...

"Here Come the Hawks" (Dick Marx Orchestra & Choir)

Can You Take Me Higher?

Check out the douche from Creed singing "God Bless America" during the 2004 World Series in St. Louis.

What's the over/under on how many Creed albums Darrin Jackson has in his car?

Seriously?

Did you know that the Hawk was the first player in the history of baseball to have his "first name" stitched onto his jersey?

What an ass.

Now, I could see Babe Ruth throwing "Babe" on the back of his uniform. I could see Mickey Mantle going with "The Mick." They earned it. But Hawk?

Laughable.

*Before you send an email, I know the Yankees don't have names on the back of their unis...I'm just sayin'...

Strap it Down!

Different shirts and shades...same hot garbage.

Who's up for a good old fashioned hootenanny? "Click play, DJ!"

"Strap It Down" (Wallace Parnell & The Explosions)

Paging Dr. Harrelson

Listen to Hawk spew a bunch of "BS" in this interview with Curt Smith.

Among the lowlights- Harrelson's psychoanalysis of his self-proclaimed alter-ego, "Hawk."

Even better, in respect to work ethic, "Darrin and I probably spend more time in the booth than any other (broadcast) team in baseball."

If this is true, then why did they always repeat themselves? "Yaz," Japan, the best at this or that...back to "Yaz," Japan...maybe a little freaking out about the umpires...back to "Yaz" and Japan...

A.J. Leads Sox in Fray with Rays

Watched the Sox 12-2 win on mute today and synced it up with the Ray's radio broadcast.

Young play-by-play man Andy Freed is really good. He was joined by a former member of the Sox broadcast team, Dave Wills.

Wills, though obnoxious on the Sox pre and postgame shows over the years, has turned into a respectable big league broadcaster.

If you had the opportunity to watch the Rays TV coverage, you were fortunate. Dewayne Staats and Kevin Kennedy make an outstanding team.

Brass tacks...better than any team that features Hawk or DJ!

Why do these small market franchises have superior broadcast teams?

No Bullshit!

The Bulls survived two horrible calls and upset the Celtics 105-103 today.

Veteran broadcaster Neil Funk threw down some sweet play-by-play.

If analyst Stacey King could stop yelling, "why you gotta do 'em like dat?" sooner than later, we would all appreciate it.

Here Come the Hawks...

...the mighty Blackhawks!

Listen to one of Chicago's greatest announcers ever, Pat Foley, call the Stanley Cup Playoffs.

Eddie Olczyk joins him in the booth for Game 1 vs. Calgary at 7:30 CT tonight on Comcast.

Dig this classic Foley playoff call!

"Here Come the Hawks"

Gameday Audio

If you have DVR technology and purchase Gameday Audio, you can listen to the game without the interference of Hawk or Darrin Jackson!

Now that DJ is on the radio, syncing the Sox radio feed with the telecast is just not an option. I mean, the man is simply dumber than a bag of hammers.

So, here's what you do: DVR the game and sync it up with the opposing team's radio broadcast using Gameday Audio.

I'm especially looking forward to the June series with the Brew Crew. Bob Uecker calling the Sox game?!? It's not gonna happen any other way.

Moment of Silence

The loss of Harry Kalas is truly sad. He was one of the best.

Dialing up Phillies radio broadcasts on Gameday Audio will never be the same.

Sox on Fox!!!

Sox vs. Twins on Fox this afternoon. It's always great when the Sox are nationally televised. The best part is that Hawk is not invited.

First pitch today at 3:05 CT on Fox.

Liriano vs. Colon.

New Shoes, Bitches!

Got some new Jordans upon MJ's recent induction into the Hall of Fame.

Rumor has it the Hawk played some high school hoops and thought he was pretty sweet. Well, I want to throw on these here new tires and challenge him to a little 1 on 1. I hope he is game...because I'm going to pump fake, lift his old ass into the air momentarily, draw a TON of contact, finish, and convert the "and 1."

I'll take it right at his beak. I swear.

Hawks Can't Shoot Eagles

Did you know that Hawk retired from baseball in 1971 to "join the pro golf tour?" Too bad he wasn't a better golfer...he'd be bothering folks at The Masters right now rather than invading our airwaves.

Click here to see how much money Hawk made on the PGA tour. He could have made more panhandling for a week at State & Lake. The Government wouldn't have gotten their hands on it either.

Opening Day

Went to Opening Day today. Was great to see Jim Thome hit a 3-run homer in the 8th to lead the Sox to a 4-2 win.

Wasn't so great to turn on the radio on the way home and hear Darrin Jackson cracking eggs of knowledge.

"Both teams played as good as they could today," said Jackson after the game. I feel sorry for Ed Farmer...he goes from Steve Stone as a partner to D.J.

But then, in turn, you have to feel bad for Steve Stone...he has to deal with the resident hillbilly. It's a tangled web, this White Sox broadcast carousel. I hope the extra coin is worth it to Stoney. He will certainly make the TV broadcast more bearable.

Who is working on the technology that would mute just one announcer? That might come in handy for college hoops games that Dick Vitale announces too.

Blame it on the Hawk

Well, while the playoff ouster was disappointing, 2008 was a successful season for the White Sox. The real disaster was in the booth. At least Steve Stone will join the beaked one on the TV side next year. I guess the hefty paycheck is worth it. Let's hope DJ never even sets foot in that radio booth.

Thank You Baseball Gods...

...for securing the Game 3 victory (see last post).

We shall drinketh from the cup of wine this nice man is offering in the hopes of a Game 4 victory. Even on a Monday! Perhaps we will break off a piece of that bread he is holding too. I just have a feeling about this guy.

Game 4 at 4:07 today...another White Sox winner!

The Original...

"Jesus Is Just Alright"
(The Byrds)

The Classic...

"Jesus Is Just Alright"
(The Doobie Brothers)

The High Mass Version...

"Jesus Is Just Alright"
(Robert Randolph & The Family Band)

This is the day...

...that the baseball Gods have made. Let us rejoice and be glad. The Sox will win today in Chi-town.

"When's the last time you...

shit YOUR pants?" Hall of Famers shit their pants too. Maybe that's why Hawk Harrelson does not. He routinely comments on his anus during broadcasts, saying, "my behind was so tight you couldn't pull a greased tee from it." That's most likely because any feces he may temporarily store comes spewing out his mouth. See Hawkisms. Comcast must go through microphones like toilet paper.

Breaking News: Mariotti Leaving Chicago!

That bastard Jay Mariotti is finally leaving town! We can only hope The Hawk flies with him to continue their childish feud.

Link to Ozzie and Hawk's Reaction
Link to Chicago Sun-Times Announcement
Link to Chicago Tribune Article

Hawk Tackles Umpire

Picture from a recent issue of The Heckler.

Press

A little press from the Indiana Statesman.

And It Stoned Me

Steve Stone to join Ed Farmer on the radio side. Too bad he didn't replace DJ.

Happy Holidays!

On sabbatical in Hawaii hanging with my life coach, Miloshev (pictured above).

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm thankful I didn't have to listen to the Hawk today. Good grief.

Uribe Snubbed in MVP Voting

Don't you love how the voters snubbed Juan Uribe and just handed Alex Rodriguez another American League MVP?

And then Magglio Ordonez goes and gets 2 first place votes. I mean, what did he do that was so awesome?

*Hawk fans, it's a joke. I know you guys are a little slower on the uptake.

Tummy Time

Rock Chalk Jayhawk.

Buddy Ball

Buddy Ryan would not be impressed with the 2007 version of the Bears, who are 3-5 at the halfway mark.

Wonder if Lovie has ever talked 46 Zone with Buddy...a couple of guys named Buddy and Lovie would get on famously, no?

"BEARSSS"

What a game winning drive on Sunday. It woke me from a drooly slumber.

Brian Griese has dedicated the win to the family members of victims of the 2003 Chicago meatwave.

"Brick Wall Hijinx"

Dig rockandrollconfidential.com, a collection of douchey band photos accompanied by rather solid commentary.

Who knew the brick wall was so rock 'n' roll?

"Baseballs...

has been bery bery good to me."

Sanchez would later change his name to Borat Sagdiyev.

Karko

Had a dream last night that I was eating nachos with Ron Karkovice...I was still hungry though because he kept blocking the plate.

Then we went to the batting cages and worked on his swing for a bit.

Pudge

Watching playoff baseball at Fenway over the weekend reminded me of Carlton Fisk.

The BoSox may want to bring Fisk out of retirement should they bring the series back home.

Game 3 tonight in Cleveland. 6:10 CT on Fox.

Devin Hester

Best kick returner ever. Think he's not?

He now has 8 career TD returns...and he has only played in 22 games.

That doesn't count his 108 yard TD return of a missed field goal last year either.

Unified Front

FYI: After Chicago fans, we receive the most mail from fans in Boston and Cleveland, respectively.

The Hawk played in both cities and, while fans in these cities didn't necessarily hate him as a player, they are routinely dismayed at what a douche he has become behind the mic.

The Sports Machine

Rumor has it the original Sports Machine is down in George Michael's basement.

Wonder if we could borrow it and, "through the use of the Sports Machine," heave the Hawk this weekend.

Mookie Wilson...

...is, indeed, African-American (see last post).

Game 6

Dig this "R.B.I. Baseball" reenactment of the 10th inning of Game 6 of the 1986 World Series.

I had no idea Mookie Wilson was Caucasian...I'll have to dig up an old baseball card to confirm my suspicions.

How 'bout the call by Vin Scully? Talk about a baseball announcer who doesn't suck.

Harry Caray

I'm sick of people saying how awesome Will Ferrell's Harry Caray impression is...because it sucks.

Harry, himself, would be disgusted...if he could be.

Listen below to Jim Volkman, the real Harry Caray impersonator, on the Kevin Matthews Show in the early 90's.

Sweep

D-backs stroke it to Chicago's National League Ballclub.

D-backs Take Opener

Arizona up 1-0 in NLDS.

Lou Piniella, on why he pulled Zambrano after only 85 pitches, "I'm bringing back a pitcher on three days' rest on Sunday, and I took a shot with my bullpen."

Who says the Cubs are playing on Sunday?

"Mercy"

72-90...and an off-season full of questions.

Will Hawk retire?

Will DJ pack up the paraphernalia and head back to Japan?

'Friggin' A!

DJ is part homer and part homeslice in this clip.

Let's try a sentence with "friggin."

DJ's vocabulary is so "friggin" vast!

"I say, Son...I...I say, Son..."

Foghorn Leghorn speaks more clearly than Hawk on a Friday night in Baltimore last season.

Listen to him call the double play to end the inning. Seriously...it's a double play.

Am I Part of the Disease?

Just want to make sure you are aware that Rex Grossman listens to Coldplay before games. Yes, the NFL games for the Chicago Bears...not out in the backyard with his buddies.

Giants Toss Bonds Aside

Future AL DH.

100% Organic

Had some e-love for Nancy Faust in the inbox today and some respect for the great instrument of the church, in general.

Over half of the 30 major league ballparks still feature a live organist. Support your local organ grinder.

Nancy Faust

Once named Sports Illustrated's MVO (Most Valuable Organist), Nancy has seen her playing time dwindle in recent years so that Sox fans can hear more "canned music."

Do yourself a favor and listen to what a ballpark is supposed to sound like.

Ecko Base

Guess Marc Ecko is trying to put the human back in Human Growth Hormone.

Juice Bars

Wonder if he'll autograph any "balls" in jail.

500!

Jim Thome joins the 500 HR club.

Table For One

Curt Schilling, a.k.a. "Table for One," squares off against Roger Clemens tonight on Sunday night baseball.

I'm no Yankee fan, but this guy is a jag's jag, if ya know what I mean.

He campaigned for Dubya in 2004...and get a load of the moustache on this '89 Donruss.

"Gettin' It Done"

Ever notice how Darrin Jackson uses the phrase, "gettin' it done" pretty much any time he is trying to think of a verb?

This '89 Topps card illustrates how Darrin "got it done" back in the day. DJ hit a robust .259 in the minor leagues and his picks to click in 1989 were music and cars.

Mother Glove Bone

Anyone read this crap a few weeks back?

The best part: "[Mickey] Mantle had the clubhouse guy go buy a couple of dozen red All-Star golf gloves because that was the color I was wearing the day before. They all had red golf gloves, and that's how the hitting glove got started."

Now THAT, my friends, is "BS." Does he expect us to believe for one second that Mickey Mantle wanted to emulate him?

Too bad the Mick is no longer with us. I'd like to see him groove a few beers, push the Hawk around a little bit, and then piss on his forehead.

Ease Their Pain

Heave the Hawk.

Tony La Russa

Fired by the Hawk in 1986.

He's only been to the World Series 5 times since then...no big deal.

Another sweet move by the ol' Hawkeroo.

Worst GM Ever

So he becomes the General Manager of the White Sox in 1986 and the first thing he does is put his own stupid face on the cover of the schedule. Not Carlton Fisk. Not Harold Baines. Not even reigning Rookie of the Year, Ozzie Guillen.

This has to be unprecedented. If anyone knows of a GM branding promotional materials with his own face, please come forth with the information.

Better yet, if anyone knows what kind of dirt Harrelson has on Jerry Reinsdorf, the Sox listening audience has a right to know. This affects them too, damnit.

There is no explanation, other than said dirt, as to why the Hawk came BACK to Chicago to "announce" the games.

"Millleeerrrrr Liiiittteee!!!"

Best Beer Man on the South Side, hands down. Wonder if he'll pee his pants for the Brewers next time he works at Miller Park.

I'll shit mine if the Sox fire Hawk. I swear to Baby Jesus.

"That's BS"

A spirited and focused tantrum by the Hawk, but alas, he is wrong again.

He definitely has "never seen this" and also thinks it is "BS."

Check out the second "That's BS" around the 5:37 mark.

Wow.

A "Special" Player

'71 Topps.

The Hawk hit .199 that year.

Douchebag Double Stack

"Cinch it up and hunker down."

-Ken Harrelson

Force Play

Heave the Hawk and DJ too!

Ass Hole City; Population...This Guy!

Heave the Hawk is doin' it bloggystyle.

Hit up HtH regularly for fresh content about the world's worst broadcaster, his talentless partner, as well as other tomfoolery, shenanigans, general mischief...maybe even a little ballyhoo here and there...no big deal.

Sincerely,

Wallace Parnell